I’ve written the same performance evaluation five times.
“The system” is being selective about what information it saves: the little clickety radial buttons are safe. The paragraphs of associated evidence written three times before I finally smartened up and typed them into a document so that all I have to do is cut and paste. On some level, I’ve given up hope that the evidence will ever stick.
Rather than start again and further proving that I fit the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), I’m going to consider my options.
I’m at a crossroads. Well, I’m at another one, really. I’ve decided that life is a collection of decision points. You take a step, pause a bit, live a bit, experience and then evaluate. There is no ‘done.’ We are boxes of macaroni and cheese. We need to add water, cook for 8 minutes, stir in some milk, butter and powder and then we are done… right?
I miss being a student in school. Considering a next degree -- adding another collection of letters after my name. This time I’m smart enough to realize that I can invest the time and the money and be thoroughly engaged and on the hook for a whole pile of dough in student loans. The issue is the significant investment in this particular pass time has no real long-term pay-off at the end. I could wear a groovy gown and fancy hat as I pick up my diploma and then what? Being academically entertained would be good, but not at that expense.
What if this is one of those points in time where I choose another path? I want to learn something more. I want to stretch my capacity to think and learn in a new direction. I want the intellectual challenge of something outside of my workday. I want find flow moments where I am so engaged in something that the rest of my day falls away.
What if I were to invest in something all together new? What if, instead, I opted out of education related to my profession? What if I created for myself a different possibility? What if I truly explored a different part of my brain – the artistic side that gets swallowed up by evaluations and meetings and supervision?
I think that for now, I will collect options so that I make a good decision. Extending the macaroni and cheese idea from above, I’ll collect some good recipes – from instant to Velveeta from Martha Stewart mac to down-home chili mac. In the end, it is all good and any decision will be better than none.
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