Stop All the Clocks

Digging Out -- on finding a way to become unstuck

I’ve known people to say, ‘if you come with a problem, bring solutions as well.’  I hate that.  Seriously.  If I had a solution, it wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t need to seek the brainpower of someone else. 

I’ve been waddling in a huge quagmire.  In fact, I’ve been quite stuck, looking at the problem from multiple angles, analyzing the path that led me directly into the present problem, and knowing only that I need to find my way out of said problem.  I’ve been miserable.  In my attempts to understand the situation, the whole thing has grown so big that it consumes my entire field of vision and I’ve begun to feel, quite literally, that I am choking on stress.  I’ve felt like a hypocrite because I cannot find the joy in the situation. 

A couple of key conversations this week have provided the necessary, direct kick in the ass.  The problem doesn’t really matter in the long run.  The way that I respond does.  Analyzing the situation may give me insight, if I analyze the situation in the distant future.  Right now, I’m too close and dwelling doesn’t fix anything, it actually exacerbates the problem.  I’m looking down at my feet, sinking past my knees in quicksand rather than plotting a route out of the pit.

I got through Leo’s death by being forward thinking.  Doing so has led me to a life significantly outside of any course planned, let alone imagined.  The solution to my current problem does not lie in understanding it.  The solution is in plotting a way through it, onto my next step.  Being forward thinking, planning for a goal, being strategic in my own growth, looking at myself to find ways to improve – that is my solution.

My breathing is returning to normal.  I’ve developed plan, outlining tasks to complete and information to acquire and possibilities to explore.  It is time for me to stretch – and I’m on it!

 

Shh. He's sleeping

I have not counted the days since David left.  Once upon a time gone by, when Leo died, I did that.  Thankfully – mercifully -- my brain doesn’t let me keep counting the stuff that drags me down.  Conversely, it doesn’t allow me to count up, toward the stuff that I’m looking forward to.  Like Wednesday.

So here is what I’ve been up to while David sleeps in a different time zone.

Hogged the bed.  I’ve decided that there is merit in switching things up, crossing the width, consuming the length and stretching corner to corner. 

Started five books.  Mostly work related non-fiction.  The ideas stick, more or less.  Maybe I’ll finish reading them this year.

Drank the Kool-aid with colleagues at a conference.  It is nice to be on the same page as the people I spend my days with.  Especially when those ideas are good ones.

Gone back to work – with the focus of a mosquito.  I’ve spent significant amounts of time imagining, considering, contemplating rearranging my office.  That’s what I do when I’m restless.  I rearrange furniture.  The problem is that I haven’t committed to the change because, well, it’s probably a dumb-ass idea anyway.

Considered my closet.  I have way too many clothes.  I’ve begun the editing process.  Something’s got a give – and it is going to be me.  Wanna shop in my closet? 

Remained in constant contact with facebook and email in hopes that something really fabulous would happen to stay the boredom.  Reoccurring revelation?  The good stuff doesn’t happen on facebook or email.  That’s where the good stuff is chronicled!

Caught up with old favorites like Project Runway, True Blood, Hell’s Kitchen, and Food Network Star.  Hid in other parts of the flat while Nick catches up with her favorites.  I suspect that the television might be sucking the soul out of me in 30- minute increments.  I steal my soul back by writing.

Put on my big girl pants and begun the task of sorting though photos from ‘life before Leo died.’  Thankfully, I’ve reached a place where I can do this without tears.  It also reminds me that David might be gone, but he’s the kind of gone that comes back… on Wednesday.